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Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Relationships and Didn't Know Who to Ask.

"Toby's approach is very straightforward, matter of fact, no bones about it.
I like my advice that way. She tells it like it is and I think that's
important especially if you're going through a crisis like having been
cheated on or involved closely in it. "

She has a way of making solutions reveal themselves, she encourages self discovery.

Toby has a gift that cannot be taught in universities, a vision that enhances the traditional techniques of her profession.

With her guidance I have learnt so much more about myself and understand my needs at a much deeper level than I thought possible.

Toby has been my savior through one of those life experiences that I thought only happened to other people....

She is such a cool person; I often wish I had met her under different circumstances.”

“I first met Toby Green after reading her book "If You Really Loved Me". My life at the time was in total turmoil. I was making one bad decision after another, my marriage had irrevocably broken down and I was confused, depressed and scared.

Toby immediately brought me back to centre so that I could at least begin to gain clarity and perspective. My marriage didn't reconcile but it’s fair to say that with Toby's guidance I now have a lovely friendship with my wife 8 years on.

Toby taught me many things but perhaps the most valuable insight of all was how to ‘survive' women, and more importantly the meaning of the term 'intimacy'.

There is a wonderful irony in being coached on how to be an effective man by a woman - but then again it's probably perfect.

Perhaps a more poignant testimonial should be one from my partner Belinda who only knows the man I have become, or perhaps even Suzanne, my ex-wife, who has witnessed my struggle, been a part of it, and now chooses to maintain a close friendship with the man I have become.

Toby has been an on-going inspiration, mentor and life raft and has helped me to be a better man.”

“I just wanted to write to say thank you for the wonderful article. There was a passage in the article that touched a major chord with me. You wrote:

"Men fare badly in custody/access battles. If hell hath no fury like a woman feeling vindictive, then despair knows no equal to a father who is the impotent recipient of her cruelest revenge".

The advice that followed, that fathers need to never drop off, no matter how rebuffed they feel, was spot on. I have lived that advice for more than a decade. I now have a relationship with my children that is precious and wonderful. It has survived two divorces, one of them "from hell" involving precisely the attempted sabotage about which you wrote.

I want every dad out there who is battling with the sabotage, the vindictive behavior, the abuse and the pain to know that persistence pays, that, as you say, given time, children are smart, and will eventually judge us as we are, not as we are held out by others to be to be. I understand the Dads that give up - sometimes, it is just too hard - but God bless every one of them that hangs in there. It may take forever, but children can be just amazing. And worth every tear.

“I like to read Toby's work because sometimes I can associate with the issues she deals with.”

My youngest son is nearly 5 months old, while my eldest son is 5. My first was born by emergency caesarian section and I suffered Post Natal Depression when he was 4 months old. I am still on medication following a recurrence when I fell pregnant with this baby. I have bonded incredibly well with my second-born (naturally) and love him so much it hurts, but it saddens me so much that I don't feel this with my first-born. I love him and care for him, but I find myself 'pretending' to have a 'connection' with him. Will I ever feel as close to my first-born as I do to my second? How can I feel better about this?

“I was really happy with my session with Toby, she is great and has helped me a lot, I felt it went really well.

Toby got to the essence of my issues with great alacrity, and then quickly provided me with real alternatives that have shed a completely new and much more positive light on my circumstances.

I literally breathed a sigh of relief after our first session. Toby had adroitly identified the problem and provided me with a practical and meaningful solution; one I didn't even know I had!

“I just wanted to write and say that I have enjoyed all your articles & books for as long as they have been published.

“I have long been an admirer of your writings. Of the pop-psychologists I an aware of, your interpretations and comments on relationships issues would be the ones I respect most.

I am not a professional psychologist but have long had an interest in human relationships through my practice as an instructor of Parent Effectiveness Training for the past 26 years or so. My response to your article, “What’s Mine is Mine”, however, comes from married life. My wife and I celebrate our 36^th wedding anniversary next week and I have no reason to think we won’t see out the rest of our lives together.

My reaction could apply to both women and men. After all, it is mainly women who initiate divorce. One difference may be one you refer to, whereby men may be more likely to wait for another woman into whose arms they can fall before breaking away from the marriage. Women seem to be more likely to make the break to live on their own.

I wondered, however, at your judgment of Harry as being too weak to speak more strongly about “some element of his marriage”. Could this not have been interpreted differently to say that he was strong enough to absorb Melony's negative emotional reactions to needs that he may tentatively expressed. He may have deliberately decided that although his needs were not being met he would, for the sake of the marriage and because Melony was important to him, hang in there and make the most of it. You use a bit of a cop-out by talking about “limit-setting” Such limit setting is very difficult to achieve in practice particularly if one partner (usually the woman because of her lesser physical strength) sees herself as a perpetual victim. So Harry may not have confronted Melony more strongly because he was aware of the physical strength in his favor and did not want to risk hurting her. He may also have been relatively weak in verbal skill.

Until Harry met Paula, Harry and Melony might have lived reasonably happily for the rest of their lives. Of course, this is what you are emphasizing, that it was Paula who was responsible for breaking up the marriage. You also imply, however, that Melony had a passive role in this series of events. Might it have been that if she had recognized Harry’s need and been prepared to change, given him moral support, not dismissed his sexual needs with (“you’ve got sex on the brain” – reading something into the story here, of course) a little more, and criticized him a little less he would have been less susceptible to the charms of Paula.

I fully agree with you that flattery gets you everywhere. A husband may say to his wife, “You look nice in that dress”. Now she knows, in her heart, that her husband would see her body as attractive no matter what she wore. But she appreciates the gesture because he has made the effort to say something positive, rather than nothing at all, or even worse, something negative. Thus the relationship is strengthened.

Years ago I would have belonged to the school which says that confrontation is a good thing and one should risk expression of feelings and anger for the sake of getting it all “out in the open.” Certainly that is in line with Thomas Gordon’s Effectiveness Training approach. The older I get, however, the more I consider confrontation to be not worth the risk to the relationship. I would rather maintain the relationship than assert my rights.”

“I have known Toby for over nine years and have seen her for relationship counseling. As I have worked in the field of counseling and psychotherapy I am naturally very selective.

She has huge amount of wisdom which allows her to see what works and what doesn't. She also has a huge heart which allows her to share this wisdom in a loving and direct way.

Her down to earth approach has helped me and my relationship enormously. Her counsel is direct, skillful, honest, loving and effective.

I often say to my friends that if they want the best of the best, Toby is the one to see.”

“I had to let you know how POWERFUL your article 'What's Mine Is Mine' was for me. It said everything I'd been thinking for 12 years.

Women are one another's worst enemies. And too many men are just plain weak. I've spent the last twelve years raising my children to deal with what happened to their parents' marriage and to realize their own responsibilities in relationships.

Hopefully my sons will be strong, committed, authentic partners/husbands. As for my daughter, I respect the high standards she expects of a relationship and how firmly she has handled the difficult situations - her girlfriend's partner 'chatting her up' etc.

Unfortunately the focus on my children has resulted in me losing myself somewhat, but I'm working on that. I don't know if I can trust a man again - or most women come to think of it!!! Nor do I have any idea how to meet men at my age - I'm now 50.

However, I'm willing to give it a try - to be aware of the lessons of the past, to be proud of the children I have raised - they are WONDERFUL PEOPLE and I LIKE them as well as love them, and to hope that maybe I won't spend my life alone but will find a strong, committed man to stand by my side as a true partner.

“When reading Toby Green's questions and answers - case histories - what have you, more than once I have recognized the descriptions as the way I, and or, my spouse act and react in a given situation.

In my view Toby Green's wise counseling is worth our while taking onboard and using it to improve and enhance the 45 year relationship between my spouse and myself.”

“Thankyou for writing the “What’s Mine Is Mine” article. I wish it could be compulsory reading, for men to realize jumping from woman to woman is about their own weakness, and for women to stop enabling it. My workplace has been devastated by a scenario very similar to the one you describe.”

“My sister of 53, with three adult children, none now living at home but very attached to their mum, has been divorced by her husband by exactly the scenario you wrote about- younger woman, although she also has 3 children who are part of the “new family".

He has just remarried recently and we believe that the relationship must have been going on for some time before the breakup. There was never any attempt to work out any difficulties prior to the breakup (she wasn't aware there were any) and she is/was devastated.

I feel that she has had about 3 years to get used to the idea that it's all over between them but she seems unable to move on. She has moved closer to family and has a new job, has involved herself in the local community and so on, but nothing seems to be really helping. Her children, now young adults have tried to support her but they are finding it hard too, and are often the meat in the sandwich when it comes to knowing what's going on with their dad (she just has to know) but it kills her when she does and then it upsets the kids, so they in turn find it hard to keep in touch with her as it turns into such a huge emotional drain.

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if he had died - there would have been a period of grief but surely she would have found it easier to move on as a widow than as a deserted wife?

And at what point do we say that she's attention seeking or being the "victim"? And, if the new relationship did falter (as he obviously never addressed what the problems were and they could happen again); would she be stupid enough to take him back?”

The Testimonials provided here and with RelationshipTrainers.com are published with the full written permission of the people who have sent them. In some cases, authors of the testimonials have requested a name change and/or for us to use their first names only, which we have absolutely respected. TG :)